Hello, lovely readers! I have been on a break lately from writing. Not really an intentional break. More like an “I’m not sure that I have any meaningful words to share” break. And even as I type these words, I am filled with doubt about that very thing. Meaningful.
Do you ever have moments that turn into days that turn into weeks that turn into months of heaviness? Of not-quite-right? Of silent battles behind the scenes?
I wish I could say that I have won the battles and have successfully come through a stronger, happier, more fulfilled me. But that would be a big fat lie. I’m still battling a little bit every day. Against exactly what, I don’t even know. But it sure does feel like a fight. And it often feels like I’m losing.
To admit I’m not doing wonderfully is a gigantic risk to my pride. It is a huge blow to my ego. And it is an incredibly vulnerable position.
I don’t do vulnerability well.
I do “here have been my struggles and here’s what I learned from them”. But in that uncertain place before the learning and before the understanding of what will overcome the challenges… in that confusing, uncomfortable crud, I am not good.
I don’t like the way I feel during the struggles. I like the way I feel after the struggles. Empowered. Accomplished.
But during – in the midst of those bad moments turned months – I feel weak.
Somehow lately, my thoughts are not lifting me above things, but are dropping me deep down in the sticky icky bits that seem impossible to trudge through. I’m stuck in the stuff that reminds me I’m not good enough. That painful and powerful stuff that is screaming lies instead of whispering hope.
This happens to me sometimes. I know I am capable of getting through it. But it sure doesn’t feel like it when uncertainty envelopes my brain and the destructive chatter drowns out my inner cheerleader.
So today, I don’t have words of wisdom. I just have a few words of “this is sometimes all I have to offer”.
These are the words that churn during my not-so-powerful but oh-so-vulnerable days. These are the open-wound words that don’t yet have a happy ending. And these are the words that I’m sharing with you today, sweet friends.