I am a crammer.
I cram things down so I don’t have to deal with them. Feelings, memories, circumstances… anything that may cause me discomfort or pain. And anything that I don’t feel equipped to deal with at the moment. It is true of my heart, and it is definitely true of my closets, cupboards, and cubbies.
God forbid you open a drawer looking for something while you are visiting. You may just see how completely and hopelessly disorganized I am. Sure I “pin” things on organization while perusing Pinterest, but let’s be real here… I don’t actually plan on doing any of them.
The same is true of my heart. If you dare to open it, you may not like what you see. Years of hurts and losses and not quite good enough’s, all crammed down deep. It’s like Pandora’s box when you open it, but the treasures aren’t exactly treasures. More like “participation” awards, decades in the making.
Cramming has saved me many emotional meltdowns over the years, but the problem is that the stuff is still in there long after the initial cramming takes place. Remember the drawer scenario? All that crap is still in there, just unorganized and hard to find. Lost, really.
Over the past several months, I have been surfacing some of the previously crammed crud. Sometimes because it has just floated to the top, like it was wearing a freaking life preserver. And sometimes more like an archeological dig to surface the skeletons of historic times. Either way, there is not much joy in the process.
What I am banking on though, is that allowing myself to finally deal with the crazy stuff I have continuously crammed down, will ultimately allow my weathered heart to heal. Hoping that surfacing these painful nuggets of fun will allow me to move on in a more centered, more accepting, albeit more imperfect way.
What once was lost may now be found. And along with the finding, I will be more equipped to find the joy and laughter and love that has occasionally been more of a bandaid in my life. What I am searching for is that pure emotion that will bubble up freely, right through my previously crammed core. Settling gently and joyously on top of it all. Finally found.
*Today’s post was inspired by the writing prompt, lost. Many more brave bloggers have shared their thoughts on the subject and can be found by clicking over to Lisa-Jo Baker’s Five Minute Friday section on her blog. Take a peak!