Emptiness Lives Here

I worked hard to build a home.  Not a house, but a home.  All in hopes that it would be filled someday with joy and love and the magic of loving family all around me. 

So much to hope for, I realize.  But what actually happened is that I created a soft landing for my step-sons at varying times in their young adult lives.  While I have longed for someone to call me Mommy, for someone to think I am their everything, I sit here in tears with the brutal realization that my dream will never become reality. 

Weeks, and months, and years have passed.  The love I have to give is still there.  I am not saving it up for a rainy day.  I am spending it on everyone around me.  But what I feel is that my supply is not being replenished.  Expecting adult children to be able to show the love and appreciation that I need, is futile.  And selfish. 

Why am I so focused on what I need?  How I feel?  What I am missing? 

I don’t know!  But what I do know is that it is excruciatingly painful at times.  The unfulfilled expectations and feelings of insignificance are taking over my world right now. 

I am a strong, smart, generally positive woman.  But today, I am small.  I am nearly invisible.  I am empty.  And I live here.

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